


Anatomy of a Stoic

by Fangirlinit



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Professors, F/F, Infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 05:07:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10564248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirlinit/pseuds/Fangirlinit
Summary: Professors are assumed to practice what they preach. Astra would hold to this principle were it not for the new professor of bioengineering who is young, beautiful, and annoyingly quarrelsome. Being masters of separate fields, they are pleasurably antagonistic toward each other… until secrets get the best of them.





	

"Always resignation and acceptance. Always prudence and honour and duty. Elinor, where is your heart?"

Jane Austen, _Sense and Sensibility_

“This is so wrong.”

Astra’s muffled voice earned a moan. She had to wonder if it was in reply to her statement or to the attention she was giving Alex. If she really thought about it, all that _thinking_ would cause those wonderful sensations to grind to a halt and force them to examine what was so wrong about this.

Without stalling, Astra continued to mouth at Alex’s breast and cover the squirming with her skin. Legs tightened around her, heels digging hard into the small of her back. Astra’s stomach became smeared with arousal upon each thrust. The smell and warmth of Alex sent her spiraling into bliss.

“That statement has lost all meaning.”

The response came as vibrations against Astra’s mouth. Salty perspiration teased her lips and she gave a quick swipe of her tongue to the valley between Alex’s breasts. She surfaced from the layer of sheets and blew a strand of hair out of the way. “Pardon?”

Alex lay flushed with her eyes fastened shut. She rolled her hand in midair to help the words come. “It’s like repeating a word over and over until it ceases to carry any importance. Take for example: a spoon. It’s a spoon. A spoon is a spoon. Spoon… spoon… spoon…”

“You are a strange woman,” murmured Astra. She smoothed down the kinks in Alex’s hair. “And isn’t that what you might call what we did last night? Spooning?”

Alex uttered a deep, hearty laugh. “Don’t look at me like I’ve gone mental. You should recognize semantic satiation, Doctor of Philosophy.”

“I’m sorry, do _you_ know every genetic concept, Doctor of Bioengineering?”

“But semantic satiation is a fundamental concept.”

“Mm, maybe I’m playing coy.”

“If you are, you’re in for it. I don’t like be teased.”

Astra dismissed her with raise of her brow. “I’m not the one who brought academics into the bedroom, Oppressed One.”

That earned her a huffing reply. She fixated on the wrinkled nose and the irritation building behind sleepy eyes. Her fingers combed through Alex’s hair again, twirling and clawing lightly.

Unable to stop herself, Astra returned to her earlier glorification. “You are utterly attractive.”

“I thought I was a strange woman. Which is it? I can’t be both.”

She tested Alex’s patience with a grin. “Says who?”

Alex’s parted mouth gave every indication of an answer but none came. Lust superseded questions and muffled statements between breasts. It defied seeds of doubt and replaced them with the belief that whatever they were engaging in wasn’t harmful to themselves or others.

Alex scanned every inch of Astra’s face as if she were memorizing each feature. “I want to live in sin with you.”

“Are we not already?”

Alex stared harder and Astra’s smile only grew. All notion of morality went out the window in the span of that smile.

With a growl, Alex seized her and kissed the expression off her face. They rolled from one end of the bed to the other, clasped hands edging precariously over the mattress. The sheets became tangled in their romp. Two women with competitive natures such as theirs couldn’t stand the one toping the other. It would be unlike them to miss an opportunity to assert themselves in the bedroom like they did at the podium.

But their activities just had to be interrupted. The trill of a cell phone had them breaking apart and retreating to opposite sides of the bed.

Alex flung herself onto her back and let out an exasperated cry. “Can’t we just screw in peace?!”

At the peak of its chime, the alarm was shut off with a swipe from Astra’s thumb. The ill reminder encouraged a hand to cover her face. She had to conduct a seminar in two hours – a seminar attended by eager grad students already on their third dose of caffeine. This was what she got for accepting a late morning slot.

Having to stop by her office made her just as late on time. She left her office in a hurry last night after engaging in “aggressive consultations” with a consenting “colleague.” By the time the couch had hindered Alex’s under-the-clothes approach, she was hastily dragging Astra off to her house. Astra conceded in a dutiful manner, not wanting to lose momentum at the behest of professionalism.

The cell phone returned to the night stand with a thump. Astra came crawling back through the sheets and rested back on her heels to eye the athletic body spread before her. She inched down, lips curling in a sly manner by which a fox would approach its next meal. “We will be quick.”

Alex arched to the flesh covering her own. “Your words,” she said, “not mine.” The nuzzling kisses were feather light and had her whining for more.

The Fates seemed to be cluing Astra in on how this day would ensue because her phone chimed again. With her grumpy mood firmly set in, she lunged for the godforsaken device.

Alex sunk between the two pillows and pressed at her temples. “Just silence it!”

“ _I_ _am_.”

Fully committed to the deed, Astra unlocked the phone. Before she could silence it her eyes caught the text and the name that accompanied it. Her spirits deflated so heavily she could almost hear the air letting out of the mattress.

Astra didn’t know how long she’d been staring at the screen. Alex must have read her expression. She had been getting so proficient with her these days. Alex would pick up on the subtlest things: the tension in her shoulders or the sudden proximity whenever they were in private. Still, Alex wouldn’t voice her concern or probe for answers. For that, Astra couldn’t be more grateful.

A mumbled “Damn it,” came from behind Astra. She turned to find Alex scrubbing her face.

“There was a delay in Frankfurt,” Astra explained, eyes flitting to the creases in the linen. “The next available flight should have him arriving early tomorrow.”

Whenever Non dropped into conversation, the tension lying beneath the surface had a tendency to spring forth. He may be on a different continent, but he could still provoke a reaction. Astra hated to think about their situation and how it might be hurting Alex. When it came to Non... well, if she hadn’t been so infatuated with another professor, she might actually give a damn about his feelings.

It certainly put a strain on a most wonderful start to her day. Just the thought of having him back in the same country made the room feel suffocating. As a matter of course, Astra would begin to withdraw, but then came Alex, bringing her out of dark clouds towards a face bathed in morning.

“No,” Alex asserted with a stubborn furrow of her brow. She rose, took Astra by the arms, and pulled her back down. “You’re with me now.”

The creaking mattress succumbed to the force of Astra weight. No sooner was she flipped onto her back than she felt hands running up her thighs and spreading her wide.

Astra’s eyes blinked open and registered the intent which displayed clear in Alex’s eyes if her positioning hips did not say enough. Astra tilted back, mouth dropped open in a moan upon first contact. Their flesh met, slick and incensed, with clits brushing and thighs trembling under pressure.

The swift turn of events was not to the point of shocking. She had been fucked this way before, even to this intensity. She was always ready whether she was spying on Alex from the back of the lecture hall or lying in her bed. She was always wanting and in need of her singular presence.

Alex grabbed for the headboard and threw herself again and again into Astra. Her breath came in pants, her brows pinched together, and her teeth grit to the efforts. She used her other hand to hook Astra’s thigh around her waist and grant her better access. The result came in a guttural moan from them both.

It became thorough and passionate. It was like Alex was trying to prove herself with every distinct slap of flesh, hitch of her breath, and dawning expletive. Astra always found her to be a dutiful lover who held care and the carnal to the same standard. Astra had taken notice of the latter behavior most prominently at the mention of Non. He was not so much the elephant in the room as he was the shadow watching his wife getting wildly screwed.

She never brought up the hard questions with Alex. Being at the brunt of an about-face like this may rattle her some, but she had no right to question Alex for it. Not when Astra was the one coveting outside her marriage. Even if she wanted inside Alex’s head, she wouldn’t bring it up now when Alex was straining to finish.

The room spun and bled out of existence until there was just the rocking of flesh and the sound of their lovemaking. It was then that she caught on to the moan. Alex’s voice, stripped of all wards and precedents, called out to her.

“Oh, baby.”

Astra had heard it before – only rarely – and her endorphin-crazed brain admittedly found it attractive. It was enough to arch her back and resonate Alex’s name.

They dropped on their backs, breathless, and on the verge of passing out. It was the blaze slipping between the blinds that fed the strain. Morning dawned, bringing with it the reality that there was a world outside Alex’s bedroom. Despite the miles, he was still there in the background and between them despite the bedded intimacy.

Alex lay exhausted when her head turned, chin touching her shoulder. She bridged the distance with a hand that crawled the rippled linen sheets. The back of her finger grazed Astra’s hipbone where she knew it wouldn’t tickle.

“I love you.”

It carried like the soft graze of her touch. Astra’s eyes closed at the words that were not so novel anymore. Alex had been so patient with her, Astra almost had the courage to reply. There was not much left she could offer in return that she hadn’t already given.

Alex receded much too soon for her touch to leave its print on Astra’s skin. The subtle reminder didn’t stick as it usually did. Losing touch… fleeting grip… they were signs that Astra was already losing her.

* * *

Astra dropped her bag in the heap of chaos. Disposable coffee cups stood amongst papers and were left in various stages of capacity. By sheer miracle nothing had yet to get soiled by local campus roast. Except the notes slipped under her door by students – she couldn’t be responsible for those papers, be it the content of words or the blood, sweat, and tears staining them. Poor children.

Astra let her arms hang at her sides as she took in the space. She spent so little time in her office lately it had started to alienate her. Between giving lectures and bedding her lover, she could only spare an hour or two for advising. The solution wasn’t rocket science; most tenured professors had the will to manage their time effectively around personal matters. But Astra was pulled by other reasons. Alex reasons.

At times, she felt mesmerized to distraction. That professor – the one who spent less time in her own office than at the campus gym perusing _Journal of Biomechanics_ on the treadmill – _that_ professor was almost always on Astra’s mind. She couldn’t forget the ticks that accompanied Alex Danvers’ teaching style any more than she could shake the understated reddish tones in her hair.

Thinking of the previous night, their last conversation, the expression on Alex’s face… It made her dizzy sometimes, hence the open window and the fluttering of papers across her floor.

Astra sighed at her forgetfulness. She picked up the pages one by one and returned them to order. One memo caught her eye. It was an out-of-date letter of inquiry from her teaching assistant and signed with a vicious scrawl. Astra flattened the paper before adding it to the others.

It alarmed her to think she had been neglecting her professional duties. The fact that she actually liked and respected her TA made her feel equally as guilty. Astra always had a passion to succeed and to lord her superiority over others. She loved her job. The university had always been decent to her. She even exercised some patience with her students. There were a few bright ones out there who continued to remind her why she chose this profession.

That kind of attention to career was what brought her and Non together. They shared an intense devotion to their careers and were willing to sacrifice anything for achievement. That they were scholars in the same field did not discourage a union. Being employed by the same university made living arrangements simple. They loved each other in true textbook fashion and so they married as a matter of course. Subconsciously, they married out of scholastic competition, besting each other without intent or malice.

Astra sat heavily into her chair and pulled up to her desk. She shuffled through her lecture notes in preparation for a late morning seminar. Fortunately for her, she arrived ahead of the flood of students primed to inquire after a particular lecture or to plead an extension on a paper.

It would be a carefree morning spent in her office marked by silence and no want for excuses. She didn’t have to worry about secrecy or changing clothes from last night. Non was in Germany. He was always in Germany. Their university worked in conjunction with study abroad programs at Heidelberg and as lead professor of National City’s philosophy study abroad program Non traveled constantly. In the past three years he had developed a rapport with the staff at Heidelberg’s prestigious philosophy department. The students adored him and he adored them. Non loved Germany. It’s all he talked about over the phone and when he was home.

It took immense faith for a wife to allow her husband such freedom. Astra was not the suspicious type. She figured out quite some time ago that Non posed no threat to her heart. The romance had been drained so fast from their relationship it was as if none was present from the beginning.

After ten years of marriage, all Astra and Non had now was a professional respect for each other. It was the only thing that hadn’t dried up and withered away. There were moments at the start when Astra thought her affair with Alex would damage that last shred of respect she and Non had for each other. Non wasn’t a malicious person but he would lash out if his masculinity was threatened.

The lack of affection in their marriage didn’t raise suspicion. It felt relatively normal to them. After so many years together it didn’t seem odd how little time they spent in the same room. They shared the house and slept in the same bed, but the rest was their own in friends, students, cars, and bank accounts.

Astra thought nothing amiss until Alex came along.

Their meeting was not unlike her and Non’s. Alex had just received her PhD and finished her postdoctoral fellowship in bioengineering. The university was so impressed by her credentials that they immediately offered her the position of associate professor. The school’s need to hire more young blood did not go unfulfilled as Alex was in her late twenties and the youngest staff member on NCU’s roster.

Professor Danvers was in the honeymoon stage of teaching and fresh with insight. On account of her youth, she was highly confident in her abilities and always ready to argue over an issue. She defended her views like a knowledgeable upstart who would not let herself be reined in or talked over. She had optimism and perseverance. Astra was pessimistic and easily antagonized. From the beginning, the two were a recipe for disaster and for gossip.

When Astra first met her at a faculty event, Alex was new and painfully unattached. A bold opinion spoken from across the room beckoned Astra and by the time she got there dazzling eyes rooted her in place. Astra couldn’t help marveling over the young academic's intellect just as she couldn’t help eying her beautiful composure.

Over the course of several staff functions, Alex quickly discovered Astra’s temper and used it to her advantage in winning arguments. Astra would not admit to losing for her own pleasure. To do so would have been beneath her. As the wise scholar, Astra invited disagreement. After all, philosophy started with the recognition of conflicts.

And so by the fire invested in Alex and encouragement from Astra, academic sparing at faculty events led to academic sparing after lectures, then over dinner which soon led to them fucking academically wherever and whenever they could.

Though their rendezvous were intensely amorous, they did accompany a note of suspicion. Astra was not only a married woman but a highly regarded figure in the philosophy community. Her reputation meant everything to her (more so than her marriage because she actually put effort into the former).

Mindful of Astra’s established repute and Alex’s growing one, they agreed to keep their relationship underhand. They were guarded when in proximity of each other, careful of the longing gaze, the hungry gaze, and the let’s-curl-up-and-nap-gaze, and made a point of placing themselves on opposite sides of the room. They were as amicable as only two professors of different fields could be. That was them in the public eye.

Behind closed doors was a different matter. Conflict followed them into the bedroom. They could never agree – who was on top, what position, when, where. They never seemed to be on the same page until it mattered most. That’s when furious delights turned tender and whispering into the curve of an ear or stroking a hip with a single finger. Coming together had never been so fun or erotic or terrifying. Alex became the spark that filled Astra’s life with possibility.

Astra knew very well that Alex was too good for her. She had a youthful spirit and tireless drive for academic pursuits that rubbed abrasively against her seniority and growing pessimism.

But that spark had been so hypnotic, so invigorating that Astra found it impossible to deny herself the pleasure of this young woman’s company. Against her own teachings, she shirked stoicism and fell deliriously in love.

* * *

One superior feature of Alex’s house was her wall-mounted flat screen. At 40-inches, it boasted high definition, the best in sound, and high speed internet ready to stream everything under the sun. Ironically, the one who used it most frequently was not Alex but her sister Kara.

Kara attended the same university Alex taught at and had the advantage of crashing at her place whenever she pleased (within reason). The house was a cozy, Craftsman-style with two stories and an open porch. The faculty perk was located on campus grounds and within walking distance for Kara.

But the TV was the true gem and Kara didn’t take it for granted. At all. She watched most of her entertainment through Netflix, so she didn’t need anything more than a laptop in her dorm. Every once and a while, though, one needed a good size flat screen to watch the epics.

That afternoon Kara picked a movie which Astra had never seen and was forthwith educated on all things Christopher Reeves. One thing led to another and soon her head was spinning full of crises and infinite Earths. Astra never felt more like a bumbling student. And Kara was _her_ student, so there was that twist.

Sitting together through the second film, Astra allowed herself to relax for what seemed like the first time all day. Alex’s sofa fit three but her guests had a comfortable enough rapport to rub shoulders and share a throw. It was approaching dinner time and while Astra waited for the grocery slave to come home Kara stuffed her face with popcorn. Certainly nothing new there.

Astra wasn’t concerned about being there. If watching television with Kara was awkward, it was because she was her professor, not because she was the woman having an affair with her big sister. They had gotten over that part quickly, although Kara would admit not quickly enough for her peace of mind.

Kara had found out early on and she hadn’t invited her friends over since. She wasn’t ready to explain to them why her sister and their Philosophy 101 professor were banging upstairs at the time. She was pretty sure she wasn’t ready to have that chat with _herself_.

Meanwhile, Kara had been sworn to secrecy in exchange for common courtesy whenever she stopped by. It became pretty obvious to Alex, then, that she needed to invest in thicker walls because Astra _could not shut up_ and Alex _was not about to stop_. A year later the house had seen no renovations and Kara still had to call before visiting. Of course, they could have just kept quiet, but Astra made it clear to Alex that she couldn’t be responsible for every set back. Kara came to her defense with an amused, “It takes two to tango.” This occurred just prior to getting her TV remote privileges taken away.

Astra eyed the bowl smeared with buttery fingerprints and leaned slightly away. “I thought popcorn was a snack reserved for late night movies.”

Kara announced with an emphatic roll of her eyes, “And I thought _I_ was a romantic.”

Astra drew a perplexed expression. Since when had anyone accused her of being romantic? Notwithstanding the five star, four course meal she paid for the other night. “How so?”

Kara stopped munching to gape at her. “Oh my god, you’re practically living with my sister.” When that failed to strike a chord, Kara drove on. “Popcorn movie nights, sharing clothes, sneaking around campus –“

“We do not _sneak_ , Kara. And have some respect for your sister. She is an adult who can make her own choices.”

“Hey, I’m not judging. I just think it’s about time someone make a commitment. And why can’t you guys act like every other boring couple and do it in the privacy of your bedroom, like, less than eight times a day?!”

She and Alex _had_ been getting careless lately. She would give Kara that. There was no amount of cover up that could conceal the mortification of having to explain recent circumstances: to a student why Dr. Danvers was knelt at Dr. In-Ze’s feet in her office, to the eye of a colleague who caught Astra kissing Alex’s cheek between advising hours, and to the dean of faculty who had dined just two tables over from them at an exclusively high-end (i.e. romantic) restaurant.

Before Astra could respond or even assess her ‘shared’ button-down shirt, the front door opened. Alex came in bearing groceries and a grueling day on her shoulders.

Astra took advantage of the distraction and quickly swiped the near empty bowl from Kara’s greasy fingers.

Kara pouted. “You’re such a _mom_.”

Astra took it with a pointed look before addressing Alex. She propped an arm on the back of the couch in such a relaxed manner it passed for routine. “Long day?”

Alex took a deep breath and let her shoulders fold on exhale. “Long enough.”

“Did you happen to find that spice I suggested?”

“It only took three clerks and a Google search for them to understand what I was talking about. Honestly? They could have passed on the input from a culinary inept bioengineer. I think I made their confusion worse.” Alex transferred one heavy bag in hand to the other like it carried pure lead. She looked to Kara, mood brightening, and asked, “You staying for dinner?”

“No, thanks. I’ve got a study group to get to.” Kara’s eyes drifted to her watch and subsequently widened. “And I’m late!”

Astra tucked her legs in before Kara cut past.

“Take it easy,” Alex warned. “I don’t want to get a call in the middle of the night about having to bail my own sister out of jail. Campus cops do not kid around.”

“Voice of experience, huh?” Before Alex could stutter a defense, Kara grinned and waved. “Don’t sweat it!”

The door slammed shut behind her, leaving Alex and Astra alone in the living room.

“Love you too, sis. Call you later.”

The sass inspired Astra’s smile to widen. It had been put there the moment Alex passed through the door, with or without the pain-stricken posture and two ton groceries.

“Allow me.” Astra swept up and took the bags from limp hands before an argument could be made. With a light spring in her step, she headed for the kitchen as Alex lagged behind. “Tell me about your day.”

“Hah-hah,” Alex mocked. “Tell me about yours.”

“Fair enough.” After fishing fresh produce out of the bags, Astra motioned to the lettuce, tomatoes, and green onions. “Would you care to do the honors?”

“’Course.”

They swapped places, Alex washing vegetables at the sink and Astra at the cutting board. These stations were prearranged, even if Astra gave Alex the impression that she had a choice in the matter. They discovered early on in their relationship that Alex couldn’t be trusted with a knife. When put to the test, her hand tended to slip in keeping up with her partner’s elegant reflexes.

Astra swore never to lay a sharp object such as a chef’s knife in the woman’s hand. Alex would swear to the grave that if it weren’t for conceited expressions, she wouldn’t have to bleed so many pints. Inadvertent smack talk was the drawback of cooking with the likes of a professor of philosophy, whom on the best of days exercised inept social skills through all their indifference.

At the end of the day, though, Astra was always there to offer more than enough kisses to make it better while their dinner burned forgotten on the stove. All-in-all, nothing to complain about.

“My mom is coming into town this weekend.” Alex rinsed a tomato in her cradling hands and massaged the skin with her thumbs. Gentle but thorough, just as she had been taught. Her nonchalance slipped to reveal nerve twitching anxiety. “She’s bringing her boyfriend.”

Astra took a knife out of the drawer and closed it with a check of her hip. “Boyfriend?” she mused with a wry curl of her lips.

“I wish it was a laughing matter. Maybe if he hadn’t been my graduate advisor…” Alex tipped her head in consideration before adding pithily, “or the fact that she lied to my face about it.”

“What is his name?”

“Hank Henshaw. _Doctor_ Hank Henshaw.”

“Oh, dear.”

“What?”

“Doctor Hank Henshaw,” Astra echoed, and her head slowly rose and fell in realization, “of your alma mater. Of course.”

Alex cast a suspicious look and folded her arms over her chest. “Do you know each other?”

Astra placed the knife down on the counter before it got away from her. She patted her hands dry on a towel and spoke in slow, careful words. “We are acquainted, yes, but we did not get off on the right foot for starters. I was a guest lecturer on his campus. This was before you attended, I think. He thought it wise to interrupt my lecture on freedom and determinism in Epictetus’ _Discourses_. He thought criticism of a notable Greek philosopher should come from the perspective of one outside his field.”

Suddenly, it was as if all the antagonism of the time had come rushing back. Astra’s jaw tightened and she defended emphatically, “I was _not criticizing Epictetus_.”

Alex displayed her palms in surrender. “I believe you.” Her lips curled up slightly. “What did you do?”

“I finished my lecture of course. Ignored his contemptible hand in the air. I wasn’t about to let a bioengineer argue the merits of a Greek intellectual. No offense.”

“None taken.”

“So I left. Six months later he shows up on _my_ campus as a guest lecturer. Guess who critiques the material?”

Alex let out something between a chuckle and a groan of discontent. “Oh, Astra.”

“And so that is how our rivalry began. If we had met under different circumstances, I doubt we would have hit it off any better.”

“To be quite honest, Astra, there aren’t many who can impress you on introduction, especially in academia.”

Eyebrow puckering, Astra tilted her head. “I seem to remember you falling under my spell quite quickly.”

Alex gave a short cackle. “Yeah, because your opening remark really swept me off my feet.” She refreshed Astra’s memory. “’Your field is the crux of my current study linking the cosmos with biological organisms.’ Remember that?”

The rising embarrassment rankled Astra. Having spent half the night pacing in the background of the party, she had been hard-pressed for the appropriate introduction. There was no possible reason for a professor of philosophy to socialize with a professor of bioengineering; the two rarely moved in the same circles. But Alex dazzled that night. She kept a reserved attitude, yet her voice and her theories were full of life.

Two hours of hiding and several cocktails later Astra scrounged up the courage. But when she arrived at her mark, the only thing her dazed mind could come up with was some half-baked fib regarding her current research.

Astra had gone against every rule in the book, including the one that wedded her and Non. And for Alex to stand there and make light of their meeting?

Astra placed a hand on her hip and hardened her gaze. “We debated the whole night. Or were you just humoring me?”

“I don’t know…” Alex’s smile grew exponentially. “I seem to remember you forgetting your own name a few nights later. Does it matter in the grand scheme of things?” She finished with a peck to confused lips and went back to her sink full of vegetables.

When Astra snapped back to the original subject of conversation, she frowned with distaste. “I cannot believe Eliza is dating _that_ Hank Henshaw. How preposterous. I know I have not met your mother, but if she is anything like you, I daresay Hank Henshaw would not be first on her list of eligible partners.”

“Hey, he’s not that bad. If it weren’t for him I probably wouldn’t be teaching here.”

“Alex, you arrived here on your own merit.”

“It helped to have his support though.” Alex shook the lettuce of excess water and handed it to Astra. She shook her hung head and sighed. “I don’t know if he’ll have mine now. The situation between him and my mom was perfectly fine by me, but that’s when I thought they were dating _after_ I graduated. For them to sneak around behind my back… It’s just unfair and a bit nauseating if you ask me.”

“How come you never told me?”

Alex shrugged. “I guess it wasn’t important at the time.”

Something about the mumble caught Astra off guard. She stared at the dejected Alex a little too long, wondering about the time they had together and how they spent it. What could have made Alex believe that something about her life or her family’s life wasn’t up for discussion? What made her think a topic was or was not important to talk about? Was it something Astra had said? Or done?

“When she finally fessed up,” Alex continued, “I told her how unfair it was for her not to trust me. She said she wanted to be sure about Hank before telling me and Kara. After my dad passed, she didn’t have much luck with dating. I don’t know of any men in her life besides those she worked with. I guess if things didn’t work out with Hank, she wouldn’t want to jeopardize my relationship with him as my advisor.” Alex shrugged, staring contemplatively at the green onions. The crunch of knife to lettuce had long since ended. “The news is getting easier to swallow. Of course, I shouldn’t pass judgment considering…”

Their eyes met. Lying. A lot of that had been going around lately. Eliza had lied to Alex… Alex was lying to Eliza… Astra was lying to Non… It was a never ending cycle. She knew it. Alex knew it. It went without saying.

Alex must not have been able to handle the guilt it inspired because she diverted her gaze. They resumed their duties in silence. Once flicking her hands dry, Alex grabbed the bleu cheese and pre-cooked bacon from the fridge and started preparing their wedge salads.

Astra kept to her station, slicing tomatoes and extracting the slimy seeds that made Alex gag every time she saw them. Fearful of a brewing tempest, she concentrated on the task while lending half an ear to the mutterings behind her.

“I have two days to prepare for guests, put together a menu, buy the food… and find some decent dishware! I don’t think they’ll appreciate disposable plates and cutlery. This is going to be the coming out party from hell. It’s not enough I have to host Kara’s friends and my mother’s. I have to try not to bring up my dissertation in front of him. He’s not my advisor anymore. He’s like… a person.” Alex stared off into space, facing going pale with anxiety. She suddenly whirled around, hands flinging out and trying to get Astra’s attention. “Oh, god, what if I call him _Doctor_ Henshaw?”

The pacing feet were what got Astra to turn around. She waited a moment for the anxiety to burn off and sure enough Alex ended up at the sink counter, back leaning heavily into it as if she had sprinted a mile.

Smiling softly, Astra treaded carefully around one such as Alex who went off like a fuse at being talked down to. With kindly advice in mind, she came out with it.

“You were friends with him, though. He’s not a stranger to you, Alex. Treat him as your friend, not…” she squinted, trying to express the right words, “… not your mother’s lover?”

“You are not helping,” Alex stated flatly. “This is going to be so awkward.” She reached out to squeeze Astra’s hand and swing it playfully, hopefully. “You’re going to come, right?”

“Oh,” Astra’s face crumpled, “Alex, I can’t.”

Alex bit her bottom lip as if knowing better. She forced a smile, agreeing with a brief, “Right.”

It wasn’t possible because, although there would be no faculty in attendance, people talked. Gossip on campus spread like wildfire, especially with the aid of young 20-somethings with nothing better to do. Kara would be in attendance along with her friends who were enrolled at the university as well; some of them Alex’s and Astra’s students. Eliza and Hank would be there, two people whom Alex respected despite their dishonesty, and conducting an illicit affair on campus grounds was not living up to their expectations.

Alex understood why it was wrong to ask. She _knew_ even though, deep inside, the selfish human part of her wished differently. The conflict could be easily detected by Astra but she kept silent. They took risks everyday. They were crossing lines faster than before and without batting an eye. Moment by moment, Alex’s discretion was wearing down. Every night spent together chipped away at her humility.

So perhaps the question of Astra coming to the party was inevitable. They couldn’t keep doing this forever. One of them was bound to break. Astra, however, wasn’t thinking that far ahead. She didn’t sense it coming. All she thought was constancy – the tidiness of infidelity – and composure. All she saw was disappointment staring back, passé as it was. The cold, calculated methods kept Astra on her game and she would not let her guard down. For Alex’s sake as much as her own.

Alex finally broke the silence. Some of Astra’s composure rubbed off on her, lending a measure of apathy to her expression. “Where is Non?”

“Working late.” Astra ducked her head and searched for a target to focus on. “I shouldn’t stay long.”

“You can’t even stay for dinner?”

Astra couldn’t be sure if Alex meant it in anger or pleading. She knew better than to ascribe the falling expression to loneliness. Alex didn’t seek her company because of something as shallow as not wanting to finish an entire pint of ice cream on her own or watch television in the stark silence of her home.

A fraught look passed over Astra’s face. She tried working out an explanation. There must be some justification for staying out late – she’d come up with dozens before, yet at that moment her mind blanked. Insight came too late even as she was opening her mouth to speak.

Alex turned away. She gripped the counter as if it provided support. “I want you so much.”

The sorrow in Alex’s voice packed such a punch it had Astra reeling back. Her gut took the blow and caused her insides to spasm. It made for a toxic mixture of nausea, vitriol, and mutual understanding. Whatever she was feeling now…. it couldn’t be half as painful as what Alex was experiencing.

Astra approached slowly because she knew Alex was the most patient person she’d ever met. Despite that, something told Astra this time was different. It called out to her from the back of her mind, warning her of the repercussions that this affair was always heading for. It was unavoidable. Astra was always going to hurt Alex no matter what she did to stop it.

She reached out for Alex’s shoulders, hands running over the sleeves and down the skin of her arms until their fingers locked together. Astra pressed up against her for reassurance. The strands of Alex’s hair tickled her nose. She breathed in, closing her eyes to enhance the experience. She filled her senses with Alex, her lover, her confidante, her every definition of friend.

“You have me,” she whispered.

Alex turned in her arms and revealed the tears as if she’d already ended it. “Not all of you.”

To prove her wrong would have been disingenuous. When Astra tried anyway she found a flicker of hesitation staring back. Instead of kissing Alex, she took her chin between her fingers.

“In all the time we have been together, you have never asked me to leave Non. You have asked for nothing but my company. I realize now I have it much easier than you.”

A snort from Alex did nothing to mask the sadness. “Is that supposed to cheer me up?”

“I am imparting honesty, Alex. You have been suffering in silence. I have not understood how hard that must be for you. I don’t imagine to know what it’s like seeing someone you love go home to someone else.” Astra bit the inside of her cheek so hard her tongue picked up the tang of blood. And yet her touch was so soft, thumb stroking Alex’s jawline even through her self-castigation. “To pretend we are ordinary people, to _pretend_ this is noble of me… It would be a lie and I want nothing about my marriage with Non to bear resemblance to my relationship with you.”

“That’s some speech. Did you give it the apathy test and have your TA proofread it too?”

“Alex, please.”

“Don’t feed me that stoic bullshit. I’m not one of your students.”

Astra’s jaw tightened. She could have stomped her foot right through the floor at that moment but she held back. “Alex!”

“Stop saying my name. I don’t want to hear it from you anymore!”

Her tone snapped like a rubber band and stung like one too. Astra blinked back and subsequently missed the regret in Alex’s eyes.

“If that’s really what you want,” Astra looked away, even if her body held ground. But then impulse had her eyes snapping up, restored of gumption, as it were. “But don’t think I’ll keep from shouting it whenever I please. Perhaps not in your presence but at my discretion. I do not take orders from you.”

Alex’s eyes flared. This was Alex Danvers pissed and some part of Astra got off on it. She could see how her skin flushed and caught with the same passion that their arguments provoked. All that fire and ego defined the early days of their affair. And it wouldn’t die. After twelve months the fire was still there, just as unforgiving and spontaneous as when they met.

A fury like electricity roared through Alex. Spine straightening, she inhaled through her nose and heaved on the way out. “You can be a real insensitive bitch, you know that? Damn you. I –“

Astra landed hard on Alex’s mouth and the momentum propelled them into a cabinet. Inside, canned food rattled on their wire shelves, clanging with the force of the ensuing shoves. They both knew the kiss had been forthcoming, and perhaps they made an unspoken agreement to keep it up. Like gasoline on a bonfire, they fueled the kiss with more and more futility.

Astra picked Alex up off her feet and wrapped her legs around her waist. Alex met the cabinet again and hissed to the knob digging into her back. She raked her nails through _her_ button-down in retribution. Astra spun them around and fell back into the brass almost as if to show her that, yes, she _did_ understand the pain and it was _not_ imagined.

Alex argued to the contrary with a stinging bite to her bottom lip. Astra might as well have known nothing; as indifferent to pain as to pleasure. Every time she tried Alex fought back.

Astra registered the throbbing ache just as Alex receded and swiped the mark with her tongue. It didn’t so much soothe as it did lash. The muscles in Astra’s arms burned, causing her to release her grip. No sooner had Alex’s feet touched the ground than she slipped her hands under Astra’s shirt, palming her breasts and matching the weight of sighs with a heavy kiss. With lustful strokes of her tongue she divined the true nature of an adulteress. It must have been surreal, Astra wondered, to taste the very same mistake that set them back with every flick of a tongue. They were indifferent to everything but their own pleasure, which they took like plundering heathens.

When their mouths detached, the lids of Astra’s eyes were so heavy it took great effort to open them. Her vision cleared enough to take Alex in. She was both predator and prey, panting with adrenaline and trembling to escape. Did Alex really want this? The words almost slipped from Astra’s lips.

The answer arrived in a shockwave across her skin. Astra gasped at the cool fingers against her abdomen. The muscles beneath her skin twitched, unsure of the path this touch had in mind. The fingers hooked onto the waistband of her jeans and tugged.

They clashed together again, Alex rubbing against Astra who pressed her back into the island counter. The moan that came from Alex sent Astra spiraling. All common sense and logic melted down to base desires. At the end of the day that’s all they were: an assembly of molecules, one structure seeking out the other in the chaos of the universe. Certain chemical bonds exploded upon contact while some excited each other to benefit. How many lectures had Astra sat in on? Lounging in the back row, taking mental notes from the babbling but impassioned professor, Astra was schooled there in desire as much as she had in Alex’s bed.

The need for that closeness had Astra clawing for certainty between spread legs. That heart skipping impulse had her searching for it with a pawing hand and a wagging tongue. That was what she needed. That’s all they were: foolish, scrambling, feeling things.

She proved her quality with hurried relief, hand slipping past the belt, the button, and those godforsaken tight jeans. Her palm pulled a gasp from Alex when she grazed her abdomen. She kissed her once more, chastely, before starting in along her jaw and sucking below her ear. The moment her fingertips met heat she didn’t pause to evaluate the consequences. She didn’t think of what might occur afterward, the expectations of whose bed she’d end up in that night or whose wine glass her conscience would drown itself in. She dove over the edge and into heart throbbing oblivion.

Alex yielded with a moan and arched off the counter. Like a woman in love she took passion’s fingers with a vice grip, too fearful of letting the sublime go because it was just too indescribable. Because she’d rather accept it as a feeling than a name.

As that feeling washed over her body, Alex’s expression fashioned its subtle changes. Astra traced it all from an extended neck to an open mouth and eyes screwed shut. Her only thought in mind was _beautiful_.

For Astra, making love with Alex was like drowning with a racing heart. She felt so alive, with air in her lungs and the blood rushing through her veins, but all sense of the world around her refracted like sunlight in a pool of water. It was something she never shared with anyone before. Non hardly measured up and neither had previous lovers. With anyone else a clawing of nails or a sound, however sensual, was a distraction. With Alex it sent her down two paths: it was either deeper, faster, harder or softer, smoother, more humble. No matter the direction, Alex always sent her to that invigorating, below-the-surface place that never failed to stir her heart.

Astra pulled back, fingers receding from captive depths before plunging back in. Her pace quickened as did her breaths. She kept her mouth to the base of Alex’s neck and alternated between suckling kisses and puffing whispers only she could make out.

Astra felt the hardened muscles spasm, the nails scrambling for purchase, and the gasps that could have passed for dread. Alex had her arms around Astra as if she were some buoy in the eye of a storm. There was something wrong with that image. Astra shouldn’t have been Alex’s life raft. She couldn’t deliver her from the twelve months of deception any more than Alex could for her. Astra was the exact opposite. She was the tempest.

Every surrendering moan and motion was a reminder that Alex had never asked her to leave Non. She hadn’t asked anything of Astra but her company. To proceed through this affair with no quarrel showed bravery. Astra knew of no equal save for human sympathizing deities. Alex played the goddess perfectly by waiting out the misdeeds of her lover. Alex, the patient heart, and Astra, the ethically bankrupt mortal in every sense of the word.

But every myth had its finale, especially where humankind was involved. Astra understood how hard it must be for Alex to wait for her courage to emerge. A woman could only wait so long before her guard came crashing down like _I want you so much._

“Astra.”

The sound of her name prompted Astra’s eyes to open. She hardly remembered closing them in her relishing, but then she awed at the ripples of angst and serenity playing across Alex's face. It did not last long.

A glint drew Astra down to the gold band adorning her finger. Her hand rose and fell over quivering ribs and allowed the ring to catch the light from above. Its presence disturbed her. It was like the flub in a movie: an oversight that hadn’t been cut in the editing room. The ring embodied error, and the fact that it stayed put proved how she refused to learn from her mistakes.

Astra never took off her wedding ring, not when she was in this house and apparently not while they made love. Could this explain Alex’s change of heart? Had Astra misjudged her actions this whole time? Did she not understand the difference between right and wrong? To distinguish good from evil meant to comprehend love. Was Astra not capable of it? Did she not deserve it?

The thought invited a twisting nausea in the pit of her stomach. Her panic grew like a cancer. She didn’t want to lose this. She didn’t want to hurt Alex. She didn’t want any of those things and yet to give herself to Alex completely would mean losing her or hurting her.

They’d done this so many times it should feel natural, like home, but instead their passion was defined by tears, whimpers, sobs, and a refusal to look each other in the eye.

Abandoned of a better alternative, she tucked into Alex’s neck and resigned to the ebb and flow of trembling. They didn’t let go for a while. It was as if the entire act had been a goodbye.

* * *

The first six months had been fun. Breaking the rules, keeping secrets, the trysts… it was all exciting to the point of addicting. The last six months could be defined by something not altogether lighthearted but tempestuous. Emotions ran high for no expressed reason. Ultimately, avoiding the issue never helped anyone.

Lately, Astra had been living in a state of flux. For so long she just assumed that what she wanted was not within her power to take. Be it laziness or pride, the solution was unreachable, so she never found a way around it. The complication festered over time. They didn’t talk about it and yet their voices hardened. They didn’t see the shadow of an end and yet their physical selves seemed to sense it.

With grasping hands, hips grinding, and choked cries they tried to knock some sense into each other screaming _This is the end_ and _Nothing will change unless you do something_. They had practiced farewell so often those past few months that they couldn’t know when it was the last time; couldn’t know if that kiss was the last kiss or that argument was the last argument.

It could drive a person mad just thinking about it. Oddly enough, it was what finally pushed Astra to act. That night spent away from Alex was one of hardest nights of her life, but it managed to meld her aspirations with her fear to create clarity. Having been brought to the brink of madness, she could see everything as clearly as if it had been laid before her.

She woke up the following morning to find Non already gone. They had barely exchanged two words the previous night, he having spent the day catching up on work and she coming to terms with leading a double life. They were locked up in their own minds, too restless and exhausted to carry out the customs typical in most marriages.

Waking up alone in bed was no cause for disappointment. It took time to get used to living with an early riser. She didn’t like it in the beginning, but the competitor in Non insisted on being the first on campus. Astra learned early on in their marriage to pick her battles.

That morning, Astra knew exactly where she had to be and it was not under the covers. She could delay no longer. It wasn’t fair to any of them.

That day, Astra made a decision. She was going to take control of her life. She was going to stand tall and make an example of herself; the kind she blathered on about to her students – of lion-hearted warriors and decisive gods.

The moment Astra arrived at the door, she knew once she entered that everything would change. She was not a god fearing woman, but she did recognize that her actions had consequences. Her luck would soon run out, and she had to end this before the damage became irreparable.

With her blood pounding in her ears, Astra knocked and let herself in. The light seeping through the blinds was so brilliant that she had to shield her eyes. When her vision adjusted, she lowered her hand and panned around the room.

The lack of care taken in organization and common cleanliness reminded Astra of her own office. Books and papers were strewn everywhere. The air had a stale quality to it as if the room hadn’t smelled a fresh breeze in some time.

Astra closed the door behind her. The resonate click it made was followed by her voice. “After months being away, you like coming back to a mess like this?”

Non looked up from his laptop and removed the eraser end of a pencil from his lips. His brows met in a crease. “Astra, I did not expect to see you until this afternoon.”

“So you heard about the department meeting?”

He gestured to his computer screen. “I’m just reading about it now. Took an hour to get to it. My inbox is giving this office a run for its money.”

Astra took one of the chairs across from his desk. The chairs were picked up at some antiquity dealer in Europe – one of a handful of vacations they took as a couple. Astra didn’t think the price of shipping was worth it, but she couldn’t deny that the pair were appealing to the eye.

Out of habit, her fingers went for the wood knobs on the end of the arm rests. The circular grooves in the wood never failed to stimulate her sense of touch. She watched as her index finger trailed the grooves in tendril-like patterns. She poured her focus into the beautiful artwork, musing out loud, “You could always hire someone.”

“Are you suggesting I offer my students passing grades in exchange for cleaning services?”

“I would keep your voice down if I were you. Otherwise, you’ll have a line of eager students stationed outside this office.”

Non sighed with a shake of his head. “You always did have an overly morose vision of fee-for-service academics. The way you treat that TA of yours…”

Insulted by the accusation, Astra countered, “I treat her like any other student.”

“Most of us would consider that a problematic relationship. We are allowed our favorites so that we can foster confidence and mobility. It is how the brilliant minds are weeded out from the competent ones.”

The statement sent Astra deep into thought. Alex was one such example of a student who had been nurtured on the road to great opportunity. Having been mentored by Dr. Henshaw, she was given the tools through which she sown a prosperous future.

Non continued as if he hadn’t noticed the contentment enriching his wife’s face. “If we were all meant for greatness, there would be no room for any of us to shine.”

Astra returned to the conversation with a narrowing of her eyes and a quip. “And I thought I was brutal.”

“I am being realistic. We are philosophers, Astra. We are in the business of teaching. Where would we be if the classroom were filled with expertise?” He returned to his emails, absently tapped the end of his pencil on the desk. “I suppose I shouldn’t put too fine a point on it,” he mumbled before suddenly closing the laptop. “I’ve been meaning to share some news with you and I suppose now’s as good a time as any.”

The tracing Astra’s fingers were giving the rosewood whorls stopped. Everything went still, her heart nearly so. Unwilling to risk giving herself away, she tossed her hair back and praised his ego with a smile. “Is that right? Well, don’t keep me in suspense.”

Non rested back in his chair, elbows on the armrests and lacing his fingers together. “I’ll cut straight to the point. I’ve been offered a full-time position in Germany. With the increased amount of time I spend there, they’ve decided to retain my services in a permanent capacity.”

“NCU knows, of course,” Astra gathered. At the back of her mind, she was trying to process the shockwaves of this event and how they would effect the people around them. “And they were understanding?”

“Brilliantly so. They’ve always supported my ambitions. The chairman and I already made arrangements for my replacement here.” Non dipped his head, inquiring in his deep voice, “I hope you don’t take offense to my not preparing you for this.”

She waved a hand in the air. “I don’t.”

Non was ever so eloquent in his detachment. They may have ceased all intimacy with each other, but Astra knew the man she lived with and she acclimated herself to his ability to compartmentalize emotions. They were, ironically, alike in that.

“It’s, essentially, a promotion in every sense of the word,” said Non. “I’m able to continue my work in a setting I much prefer. Don’t get me wrong, NCU has outstanding programs, but they’re just not Heidelberg.”

Astra fought an eye roll. She’d heard this spiel before.

With a clearing of his throat, Non leaned forward. “Which is why I inquired about an additional opening in the department. There’s a vacancy for an associate professor of philosophy. The job doesn’t start until spring, but they’re impressed by your qualifications and would be willing to offer a few opportunities over the fall semester.”

“In Germany?”

“Yes, Astra.” He opened his hands, showing his irritation. “Germany. Heidelberg University, the world capital of philosophy. I’m sure you’ve heard of it.”

Before Astra could utter a syllable she stopped herself. She could not let her impulses direct this course of events. She could not let her heart judge the situation.

Just short of a reply, Astra took a breath and let it clear her head. “And you think this would be good for us?”

“I think it would be good for your career. Although my new income would cover our living expenses, I wouldn’t ask you to give up your work.”

Astra chose her words – as well as her tone – carefully. “You assume I will be joining you.”

Non took it with an astounding parting of lips. “Should I take that as you turning down the position?”

“You should. As well as the travel arrangements.”

“Is this about the job? That I didn’t get your permission? Because I didn’t have time. The dean wants to expedite the process in time for the new semester. You know how much I’ve wanted this, Astra.”

Astra might once have taken pleasure in watching him try to get a grasp on the situation, but she didn’t see the point. Non may possess a strongly intellectual mind, but when it came to building social relations he was as bland as those competent students he chattered on about.

“I know you’ve worked hard for this opportunity,” she said, “and I don’t begrudge your decision. I’m not even mad that you’re in Germany nine out of the twelve months. It’s given me time to think.”

Non waited for her to go on. “And?”

“I have been considering this for a while and I’d hope to discuss this sooner but you are never here. This seems like the perfect time to talk.”

He scratched his eyebrow, looking ever preoccupied. “Just say it.”

The slightest twitch or gulp would make her appear noncommittal, so Astra held his gaze and remained absolutely still. “I want a divorce and I want it done amicably. You will go off to Germany and teach your brilliant ideas and I will want nothing in return. No disputes.”

Non pursed his lips. “What do you intend to do?”

“Stay in National City and teach… And live my life.”

Astra didn’t mean it as an insult. Non hadn’t treated her poorly. He hadn’t intentionally neglected her. He was just a man married to his job. In a way, they both cheated. If Astra had an affair with anther colleague, Non had an affair with his job – nay, a _country_ for goodness’ sake.

“I can tell by your expression that you saw this coming.” Astra tapped her nail against the arm rest. The sound felt as loud as a striking gavel echoing in a cathedral. “Do we need to debate this?”

Non held her stare a moment longer. He almost looked like he would contest it, and the pause, seemingly lasting more than necessary, had Astra holding her breath.

“I don’t think we need to resort to that,” he said. “We are adults, not saints. Too each our own pursuits.”

Astra’s brow arched of its own accord. Freudian slip or not, Non knew he was leaving her to her own devices. She was, after all, a wife who prided herself on independence from her husband (separate bank accounts and all). But did he have any idea what he was implying?

Astra swore she felt a drop of perspiration trail down the back of her neck. She didn’t even realize her own facial responses: aghast one minute, then angry, suspicious, and doubtful the next.

Non grasped the arms of his chair and leaned forward. Instead of expressing any number of accusations Astra feared he would initiate, he opened his laptop and returned to his emails.

Astra sat back in shock. He could have thrown a barrage of demands at her. He could have asked after her motives or her affections. He could have questioned where home was for her. And yet there he sat, content as ever to part ways. She wouldn’t allow herself to experience hurt over the way he glossed over their relationship; mostly because she couldn’t be hurt by someone she did not love. If she knew it would be this easy, she would have done it much sooner. But she hadn’t and _that wa_ s what hurt.

Astra looked around the room, feeling quite superfluous. So this was what an amicable divorce looked like? Quiet disorder and musty window coverings? She came to the slow realization that there were no more rules. With no appearances to keep up or engagements to uphold, Astra realized she could finally leave.

Wordlessly, Astra rose from the chair and moved through her new life as if it were a dream.

* * *

From where Astra stood, this was not the party Alex would have had in mind. Astra hesitated on the sidewalk, picking up the heavy pulse of music. The poor house was rattling to its foundations. Kara must have invited friends who in turn invited a series of acquaintances of the carousing kind who took solace in libations. Alex was probably going out of her mind.

Astra took a deep breath and glanced about the dead street. Apparently, the neighbors were in attendance as well. She approached the entrance and took the door knob in her perspiring hand. She didn’t even hear the tell tale creak of the hinges over the music.

From the looks of it, there seemed to be an equal number of university students and friends of the Danvers family. The party was in full swing. The main floor packed in dozens of people dancing or conversing in the background. They either had a drink in their hand or a dancing partner hanging on their shoulder or just palming appetizers. Some guests Astra had seen on campus and others were strangers, perhaps friends of Eliza.

It occurred to Astra with startling anxiety that she hadn’t even been introduced to Alex’s mother. She’d seen pictures on the wall leading up to the bedroom and received snippets of information from Alex. She gleaned from these short tales that Alex and her mother were professional rivals of a sort and just as prone to fighting over biomechanics as they did over pride and parenting.

A spike of panic ran through Astra at the thought of encountering Eliza Danvers and, by association, Hank Henshaw. Since leaving Non’s office she was only now having reservations about going through with the evening.

She slipped between crowds in search of Alex. Lacking any disguise, Astra hoped her determined expression avoided delay. It would just be her luck for some student to pull her aside and drill her on the rhetoric of Marcus Aurelius. Through calculated maneuvering (and an intimate familiarity with the house), she successfully made it to the kitchen.

A sigh of relief escaped. There, Astra found her bent over the cooler and wrestling with a bag of ice. She couldn’t be sure, but it looked like Alex was trying to get the cubes into the cooler without making an epic mess.

Alex heard the steps behind her and said, “Just a second. I did to wrangle this bastard…”

Astra looked from the ice bucket to the struggling host. Fed up with waiting, she sighed and did the deed herself. The ice spilled out onto beer cans and soda bottles while a few cubes tumbled over the edge and skidded across the kitchen floor.

Alex made to clean it up but was taken firmly by the hand. She gasped. “Astra?”

Without reply, Astra led her through the throng. The first floor bathroom was just down the hallway and when they arrived, she closed the door behind them.

The lock clicked into place, prompting Alex’s brow to furrow. “Is everything okay? And why are we in the guest bathroom?”

Astra swallowed. Her hand fluttered to her stomach, then to her hip before joining the other behind her back. “How are you? Is the party going well?”

A moment of silence passed. She must have hit a nerve because Alex soon came out with it like she had been waiting for someone to ask.

“All my worrying about china over disposable was for nothing. Apparently, my mom doesn’t even care!” Alex clawed through her hair and flung her hands up. “And Kara. Why the hell did she have to invite all those people? I don’t even know half of them! And Mom’s not even mad. She’s laughing and eating and _dancing_ with Doctor Henshaw…”

A slap of palm to forehead made Astra flinch.

“God,” Alex groaned, “I have to stop calling him that.”

She looked like she had run a marathon and then asked to buy groceries, cook, and socialize with a bunch of strangers. On top of that: impress her unimpressionable mother. Alex breathed in and out, face flushed and chest heaving. There was melted ice on her jeans and the sleeves of her button down were scruffy from being hastily rolled up.

Astra touched her arms and slid down to take the anxious hands in hers. “It’s alright.”

“No, it’s not. I wasn’t made for this: catering and hosting people who just want my booze and the steamed pork wontons. How does Ina Garten do it? Honestly. I want to know.”

“I don’t know who that is, but I can assure you that she could not reconstruct your wontons.” Astra smoothed over the knuckles of Alex’s hands before pulling her forward. Alex took the step, biting her lip over self-doubt and steamed hors d’ouevres. Dreamlike wonder drew Astra into the eyes and brought the backs of her fingers to a rosy cheek. “There is no one like you.”

When Alex realized what Astra was doing, she shrugged out of the embrace. However imminent and comforting it was, it did not negate their last encounter. It was still fresh in both their minds.

“Astra, why are you here? I thought we were taking a break.”

Astra frowned. They may not have spoken the past three days, but she didn’t take that as some sort of separation.

She tilted her head and scrutinized the crossed arms and all-around resistance. “That was not made clear to me.”

“We had sex and then you left. What about that isn’t clear?”

She left out a most painful detail. Astra may consider Alex’s place home, but she had a house of her own and a husband waiting for her. It brought to light the significance of her choice. Breaking things off with Non had been just as much for Astra’s benefit as it was for her relationship with Alex. She couldn’t move forward with Alex when she felt stifled by her own humiliation. And to truly treasure what she held dear, she had to act. Giving her full self to Alex had been well within her power, she just had to will herself to let her guard down.

Alex’s firm stance left no room for argument. All the fights they had, the issues raised, the trivial disagreements over dinner and in bed didn’t compare to the one fight that mattered.

Regardless of how little credit she had on her side, she stayed true to her plan in coming there that night. And so with a quietly suffering heart, Astra stared directly into her eyes and began.

“Epictetus once said that, as human beings, we are born to be faithful to one another, and that whoever denies this denies their humanity.”

Alex kept her arms firmly crossed, but her feet shifted. “You’re talking about Non.”

Astra shook her head. “No, not Non. I haven’t been faithful to you. You have waited long enough and I will not stand to see you hurt. I have made sure of it. Non is packing for Germany in two weeks.”

Alex seemed taken aback. “He’s leaving you?”

“We have reached an accord.” Astra raised her hand and verified the absence of a ring.

“Are you sure about this?” Alex’s lips parted and closed with uncertainty. “I mean, your marriage, Astra. You’re deciding to end it just like that.”

“Nothing is ever that simple. With all due respect to Non, he is a footnote in my life.”

“That’s all very academic, Astra, but what am I? Your thesis?”

Astra’s eyes flicked down to the hands in hers. Somewhere along the way she had taken them without realizing. She opened her palms and felt the weight of humanity and all that she had yielded to. How it changed and molded her into a person who could see the common sense in emotion and not the detriment.

Astra smiled inwardly and said, “You are my dedication, Alexandra.”

The light from the bathroom spots glinted in Alex’s eyes. She closed them, shaking her bleary vision. Her breath came out ragged. The embarrassment of showing tears was evident in her flapping hands and shifting feet. She ended it with a forward lunge, wrapping her arms around Astra’s neck and burying her face into a shoulder.

“Damn it,” Alex muttered into the shirt. “This is what I get for dating a scholar.”

Astra gave a puzzled grunt but held fast to the body warming her through.

When Alex receded she took stock of the woman in front of her. She sniffed, eyes looking through Astra as if they held that power from the very beginning.

“So two more weeks of sneaking around,” she muttered with a slight roll of her eyes, “until we can enjoy the benefits of being exclusive.”

Astra’s followed along, eyes boring into Alex. Before she knew it she was speaking in haste. “I’d like to start now, though. Just between us. Two weeks. Is that agreeable to you?”

There was the briefest and deafening of pauses. Then, grinning from ear to ear, Alex placed her hands on Astra’s cheeks. Already breathless and done in, she approached her lips with covetous eyes. When they were a hairsbreadth from meeting, her mouth curled at the edges with a wry sense of humor. She had Astra reined by the bit and they both knew it.

Left hanging with baited breath and severely wanting, Astra struggled to repeat herself.

Alex’s grin only widened. She brushed her lips just enough in daring the Stoic to swoon. Then, she answered in a most definitive whisper. “Absolutely.”


End file.
